


The Major, The Commander, and the Very Inappropriate Beaver Hat

by JoAsakura



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-21
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-05 18:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/409827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAsakura/pseuds/JoAsakura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Earth rebuilds from the ashes of the Reaper War, Shepard faces a new adventure: Meeting Kaidan's mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PART ONE: COFFEE POWERED THANIX CANNON

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm battling a terrible upper respiratory infection right now, and this won out, by a narrow margin in a totally unscientific poll on livejournal, over "Shepard Gets the Prothean Flu"
> 
> So, er. Enjoy?

PART ONE: COFFEE POWERED THANIX CANNON

Kaidan had nothing but profound respect for any medical professional who could deal with Shepard on a day to day basis. Had he been a religious sort, he would have long ago assumed that Karin Chakwas was some minor god of healing for the kindly yet unflinchingly firm manner in which she handled the Commander.

But she had years of military training under her belt and a nearly unbreakable will, neither of which could be attributed to the very pleasant, and *very* obviously overwhelmed young doctor wringing his hands in front of Kaidan.

(Kaidan knew it had to be rough. Many of Earth's major cities were mostly bombed out ruins and her people were still shellshocked. Not to mention, there were thousands of displaced alien ships and their surviving crews to be tended to. After the Geth had recovered from the hard crash and reboot of every AI, VI and synthetic system from Earth to Jump Zero, they'd put their considerable learning capacity to work assisting the overworked doctors, nurses, med students, paramedics and local healers in dealing with the injured, sick, and displaced. In an act of solidarity, some had even helpfully painted themselves white with precise little red cross stickers.

He also knew that most doctors and patients alike would be... a little freaked out at a Geth, no matter HOW medical-professional-looking, was coming at them with a tongue depressor and their blinky-light faces and mechanical voices intoning "OPEN WIDE, SHEPARD COMMANDER-PATIENT")

And if the way Doctor Chandrasekar kept looking over his shoulder at the Geth Prime running tests on Shepard was any indicator, the young man was just slightly left of "a little freaked out."

"We think that... that ah... Shepard is probably ok to go on small, supervised trips." The doctor said, while Kaidan read his body posture as _please, please for the love of god get him and the geth out of here._

"Has.. he been any trouble for you?" Kaidan asked, and the doctor winced slightly.

"No. No. he's very polite and not demanding at all." He said. Kaidan followed a quick glance of the doctor's to where a coffee mug and a pencil were both embedded several inches into the cracked plaster wall and a mangled datapad dangled from a light fixture. "And he's progressing very well with both his physical therapy and his cybernetic replacements. But.. it would be good for him to get out for a little bit. Before he accidentally destroys the hospital."

"I... see. " Kaidan scowled at the pencil. "Well, don't worry. I'll be responsible for him for the next few days." He added cheerfully. 

"Oh, thank god."

~~

"Shepard." Kaidan folded his arms as the commander clutched a datapad to his chest in mock horror. "What have you done here?" 

"Nothing?" Shepard asked and the nearby Geth flexed it's face plates in what Kaidan suspected was meant to be a questioning expression. "Oh, you mean..." He jerked his chin towards the wall. What Kaidan had initially taken for a brown stain was actually more like a strange, intermediate state between coffee and plaster.

"Yeah." He scowled at the Commander.

"Ah. Well, I thought I could use pull to get me a cup of coffee from the station out there." Shepard said with forced casualness.

"SHEPARD-PATIENT'S USE OF PULL INADVERTENTLY CAUSED A MASS EFFECT FIELD THAT ACCELERATED THE BEVERAGE CONTAINER TO A SIGNIFICANT FRACTION OF THE SPEED OF LIGHT." The Geth promtply blurted out and Kaidan swore he saw Shepard wince.

"You accidentally created a coffee-based miniature thanix cannon with your powers." Kaidan said, rather than asked. "And the pencil?"

"SCIENCE REQUIRES DUPLICATABLE RESULTS." The Geth answered and Shepard just shrugged with a terrible attempt at an innocent smile.

"They don't really train vanguards for... delicate biotic work." he finally added, sheepish.

"Ok, yeah. I'm getting you out of here before you accidentally kill yourself or or someone else." Kaidan sighed. He didn't even *want* to ask about the datapad.

~~

"I saw the datapads in your hospital room. You're working even now?" Kaidan asked, skirting the issue of the one lodged in the light fixture, as the countryside slid past the car's windows in a blur. The further they got from Vancouver, the less sign of war there was. You could barely tell at his parents farm that six months prior, the skies had been choked with ash and fire.

"President-Elect Hackett is one hell of a taskmaster." Shepard said, watching the scenery. "Admiral Shepard, the salarian STG team and the krogan are at each other's throats." He added in frighteningly accurate impersonation. "Get it done. We need them not killing each other!"

"Admiral Shepard?" Kaidan teased, the sky shading into violet before them. "Is there something you wanna tell me, John?"

"Rear Admiral, actually. Yesterday, unofficially. And don't laugh. A horrible promotion is headed your way too, Major-General Alenko." Shepard groaned. "I just wanted the Normandy back and my crew. Garrus and I have talked about maybe converting her into a tiki bar."

Kaidan spared a moment to glance over to see if Shepard was kidding. (No, of _course_ he wasn't kidding. Shepard never kid.) But the Commander seemed pleased with the thought. With morning would come the harsh reality that no, the Alliance would not let Admiral Shepard and Primarch Vakarian convert their flagship stealth frigate into a tropical disco. And no, EDI would probably not agree to wearing a bra made of coconuts.

But for now, Kaidan let him wallow in the illusion. Shepard deserved a bit of fun, after all.

The bandages were mostly off, and Shepard's face was network of fading bruises and still-tender scars that he dismissed as "a few scratches". But Kaidan knew that under the ubiquitous N7 hoodie and trackpants, trauma units were still grafted against Shepard's battered body, monitoring the healing process. He walked, slow and stooped, like Joker on one of his bad days and seemed so strangely fragile that all Kaidan really wanted to do was bundle Shepard up somewhere warm and safe for about five years and let the man rest and build model ships and watch stupid cartoons instead of negotiating peace treaties from a hospital bed.

But Shepard was *Shepard*, and as such had decided that what he really wanted to do was instead trek all the way out to the middle of nowhere and meet Kaidan's family.

And despite Kaidan's protests, his mother had *agreed*.

He feared this would not end well.


	2. Part 2: 2146 was a very good year

It was pitch dark by the time they arrived at the farm, snow falling in the headlights in fat white flakes, coating the ground. Further beyond, warm golden light spilled from the windows and there was the sweet hint of apple in the woodsmoke curling from the chimney.

Built at the turn of the 20th century, the low stone and timber house was almost impossibly rustic, and Kaidan remembered dreading the summers when his father would bundle them up and drag them out for a week of "roughing it". Summers he ached for after they'd dragged him out to Jump Zero for Brain Camp.

After everything, he'd laid low here, trying to get his head together, and the peace and quiet had saved his life. The car door hissed open, and he glanced over at where Shepard was snoring softly in the passenger seat.

"Hey, we're here." He gave Shepard a gentle shove and the Commander blinked awake, automatically wiping the drool away from the corner of his mouth.

"Wow." He said as they climbed out of the car and looked up. "It's so.. quiet." He said, breath misting as he hunkered down into his jacket. "Are there animals?" Shepard added warily as he and Kaidan fought briefly over his small duffle bag. The Major won out through sheer stubbornness, slapping Shepard's hand away as he hoisted it over his shoulder. "I saw this vid once. It had bears. And moose." Shepard continued as he pretended not to notice Kaidan had his bag.

"Shepard. Are you, what, afraid of ... moose? After everything you've seen in your life?" Kaidan blinked as they crunched through the falling snow.

"Hey, I'm a city boy, remember?" Shepard grinned as they trudged up the walk, slowly. "Besides, nothing has tried to kill me for months. I'm getting nervous."

"This isn't Omega, Shepard. It's British Columbia. Trust me. You're not going to get attacked by reapers, batarians, OR moose."

"Or your mother?" Shepard teased. In the darkness, he seemed like his old self and Kaidan laughed. He may have embellished too many stories about his mother's iron will. About how it took him years to forgive her for letting BAaT take him, and more years to forgive himself when he realised how she'd never given up trying to make a place for him to come home to, even after he'd broken Vyrnnus' neck.

His father may have had the alliance training, but his mother? She'd been their rock. "I can't make promises about mom." He laughed.

Something caught Shepard's eye in the darkness, all of a sudden and he grabbed Kaidan out of the way with a shout. The bright red dot of a laser sight bounced along the snow as Shepard shoved him behind a tree as a loud crack split the air and the snow kicked up where they'd stood a moment before.

"GODDAMNIT, MOM." Kaidan shouted, and Shepard immediately stopped looking for the carnifex stowed in his duffle.

"What." Shepard huffed.

"You're two hours late, Kaidan Alenko." The surprisingly tiny woman said as she came around the side of a nearby woodpile. She shouldered the rifle and held out her arms. "Now get over here and give your mother a hug."

"Only if you promise not to shoot at us again." Kaidan bent to hug her and she scoffed.

Her dark hair had gone almost solid grey over the course of the war, and deep creases clung to the edges of her brown eyes. But her little frown softened as she looked up at him. "Agh. You look more like your father, every day." She stroked his cheek for a second, then pushed away.

"And those were rubber bullets, Kaidy. Really. Don't be a wuss. I saw it was you through the scope." She laughed, then squinted at where Shepard stood with his arms crossed. "And this must be your Commander!" She shoved Kaidan aside and looked Shepard over appraisingly. "He looks remarkably good for a dead man. Shorter than I expected, though."

"I was only mostly dead, Ma'am." Shepard extended a hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Kaidan's told me a lot about you." He paused, and Kaidan found himself wondering how Shepard saw her. "He has your eyes." He added, almost shyly.

"Smooth talker. Call me Florence, Johnny." She bypassed his hand to give Shepard a hug that neither of them quite knew how to navigate, so they promptly gave up. "Kaidan told me a lot about you after your funeral." She said with a laugh as they followed her in. "Most of it had to do with what an asshole you were for getting yourself spaced."

"Mom." Kaidan warned and she rolled her eyes.

"You must both be starving." She said, completely ignoring her son as she took Shepard by the hand and guided him down the wood-paneled hallway to the kitchen. For the first time, Kaidan felt a little uncomfortable at the photographs that lined the walls - from his elementary school graduation to his Officers Candidate School graduation. Shepard seemed to be looking them over and filing them away in his ridiculous brain with lightning speed, pausing only when he came to a team photo, men and women in bright blue and green uniforms arranged on an ice rink.

"Wait, what's this?" He asked, tapping the glass.

"Oh, yeah. I was left wing for the Canucks in 2146 Stanley Cup." Florence said proudly. "We swept the series, and *I* had the most goals of any woman since the NHL became integrated in 2100."

"That's good, right?" Shepard asked and Kaidan found himself blinking in unison with his mother.

"Uh, yeah, Shep. It's really good." Kaidan said quickly, shoving Shepard towards the kitchen. "Come on."

"Kaidan wanted to be a goalie for the Canucks until little Scotty Macnamara down the road knocked his front teeth out with a high stick. And then, you know, the biotic thing." Florence said, frowning now. "That sort of changed everything.

"I.. never knew that. The.. ah, goalie thing." Kaidan saw Shepard's brows lift in the universal (What did i do?) gesture. "I guess we'd never talked about sports?"

Kaidan shook his head quickly, making a little zipper motion across his mouth before he realised his mother was staring at him.

"Oh for god's sake Kaidy. Stop with the silent film theatre over there. I just assumed, you said he was born in Russia, I know they have hockey in the motherland, right?" She brought out the casserole."It's ok, Johnny. I know you've been busy." She patted Shepard's hand as she set it on the table, and Kaidan could almost taste her disappointment. "It's just a silly little thing."

Kaidan sighed. It was going to be a long weekend, he could tell.


	3. Part 3: The Very Inappropriate Beaver Hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dumb, schmoopy, but I'm happy.

They ate in awkward silence save for the clink of beer bottles on the table top and the scrape of utensils. In the basement, the old heater sputtered and groaned as the snow continued to fall.

Kaidan shoved a spoonful of macaroni in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully as he watched Shepard across the table. He could tell the commander was queuing up and discarding possible conversation topics with every bite. At his other side, his mother was frowning at her beer.  
(Well, next time someone tells me I have no social skills, I can at least point out I came by them honestly.) He thought, then sighed. He was going to have to pick up the conversation before Shepard's train of thought led him to 'biotic party tricks.' like the coffee cup. "Mom. I'm sorry I.. didn't mention your sports career to Shepard." He said, seeing the commander straighten up in his seat. "You always tried to downplay it, but I know you were really proud of it, and.."

Florence blinked, dark-grey brows inching up her forehead. "Oh, Kaidan." She shook her head and set her beer down. "No. What I'm proud of, is my wonderful son who helped save life as as we know it." She reached over and smoothed his sleeve. "But it's hard for a parent sometimes. You want to still see them as the adorable little kid coming home from the rink with two missing teeth and a lawsuit threat. A little boy who just wanted to follow in his mom's footsteps." She added, a little sadly. "I remember how proud your dad was when you joined the service, though."

"Kaidan is one of the finest soldiers I've ever met, ma'am." Shepard said, carefully setting down his fork. "I never felt safer than I did with him at my side."

"And then there's this." Florence pointed at Shepard. "I don't doubt that you're a good man, Johnny." She sighed before Kaidan could protest. "But you're always going to be 'Commander Shepard' to the world, hell, to the galaxy. And that's much, much bigger than either one of you."

She ran her thumb over the neck of the beer bottle. "I always pictured whoever Kaidan brought home as.. " Florence paused. "Kaidan's father said I was the centre of his world. That the moment he saw me on the ice, he knew I was the one for him, that he wanted to grow old with me, have a family with me. And I felt that way about him. And he died to save me during the fighting. We knew everything about each other and when he died, I lost a piece of myself. Will my son be that for you? I just worry the weight of who you are is too much."

Kaidan had never seen his mother cry. But it was a dangerously close thing right at this second. "Mom.."

It was true that Shepard had never asked many personal questions of Kaidan, and he rarely offered more than a cursory bit of information about his own past. It was true there was so much they didn't really know about each other. But..

"I'm looking forward to a lot of years ahead of us." Shepard said suddenly, fidgeting with his hands. "I know we don't know everything about each other, but... I *want* to. I want us to grow old together so we have that time to learn. I can't help who I am, or who everyone expects me to be, but.." his bright eyes flicked up to catch Kaidan's. "But every day we have together now is a gift the two of us fought to have. And I'm not going to waste that, ma'am. He is my world."

He slid his hand across the table to Kaidan, and their fingers twined, grey metal bands shining dully in the lamplight.

When he'd blurted out his proposal to Shepard on a battlefield, the words had just come tumbling uncontrollably out of Kaidan's mouth. Shepard had accepted, certainly, and they had both fought through heaven and hell to return to each other, but to hear him say it... Kaidan tightened his hand on Shepard's, running his thumb over the scars and the ragged nails and it was just...

"I give, I give." Florence's voice was a bit over loud and Kaidan jumped in his seat. She took a drink, then got up, giving Shepard another hug. This time, he hugged her back, still not entirely sure of how to navigate it. "You really are a smooth talker, Johnny."

She released him and pulled a paper bag from the nearby sideboard. "I made this for you. And then I wasn't sure if I was going to give it to you, but you've melted my stony heart." She shoved it at him and made a shooing motion. "You're ok, Johnny Shepard. Consider this a welcome to the family gift."

"I... you didn't have to. "Shepard said, nervous smile ratcheting down into utter confusion as he pulled a wad of soft brown knitted wool from the bag. "I .. what is this?"

"Hat, scarf.. mittens." She said with a smile. "Figure, this place is going to be Kaidan's when I drop off, and you'll need to keep warm in the winter, since you're such a delicate flower."

Kaidan looked back and forth between his mother and Shepard and frowned. He was still full of unexpressed emotion, that had now suddenly been thrown into reverse as Shepard held up a hat, knit in the form of a giant, cartoonish beaver head. "What the fuck, mom?"

"Hey, I *made* that. Watch your damn mouth, Major-General Alenko." Florence folded her arms.

"Is it a bear?" Shepard asked as he turned it over in his hands. Kaidan's guts dropped. Shepard did many things well. Whimsy was far and away NOT one of them, and he was filled with rapidly growing panic that the wonderful glow of a few moments ago was going to go horribly sour and the two most important people in his life were seconds away from mayhem.

"It's a beaver hat, dear. They're very Canadian." His mother said, pointedly. "Kaidan's father had a beaver hat. HIS father had a beaver hat....are *you* afraid to wear the beaver hat, Johnny Shepard?"

"MOM!" Kaidan wheezed moments before Shepard crammed the hat on his head.

"For Kaidan, I will do this." Shepard announced, something sternly Russian in his words. "So, challenge accepted, old woman. Besides, it's eyes should distract the reporters next time I'm forced to sit for an interview. i can use it to cover my escape." Shepard added, hat jammed down low over his eyes. His face was positively grim, until there was the tiniest twitch at the corner of his mouth.

Kaidan took a breath and pointed at Shepard. "Wait, did you just make a joke of some sort?"

Shepard's full mouth curled in a long, slow, grin and he pulled the paw-like mittens on, Kaidan's mother giving him an appraising look. "John said you've been terribly stressed out with him laid up like he's been. "

"So you two... decided to wind me up? WHEN DID YOU PLAN THIS?" Kaidan flailed, and his mother pushed a fresh beer at him.

"I called her from the hospital last week." Shepard said, carefully scootching his chair over to Kaidan's side. "And it wasn't *just* winding you up, Major. I never really had the opportunity to give you a big, dramatic proposal, since you beat me to it.. I meant every word I said, Kaidan."

"It's not too late to sell you to whatever krogan wanted to breed with you on Tuchanka, you know, Shepard." Kaidan said, tugging down the knitted beaver's nose. "And what the hell, mom. A beaver hat?"

"I wasn't kidding. I made your dad one when we were dating. I figured, it took you two years to finish a scarf. I'd be dead by the time you made one of these for your future husband." She grinned. "What? I think it's cute."

Maybe this weekend wasn't going to be so bad after all, Kaidan found himself thinking.


	4. EPILOUGE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written on Tumblr for Canada Day 2012

Much to Kaidan’s enduring chagrin, this is the day that Shepard puts on the knit beaver hat his mother made him. It’s too hot for the mittens and the scarf that went with it, and the hat has seen a few too many years of wear.

“Shepard.” He ventures this particular Canada Day. He knows his husband is probably sweating to death in dress blues and that hat, but to Shepard’s credit, the man looks impeccable.

(Well, as impeccable as anyone wearing a decade-old toque with a beaver face on it in sweltering weather can.)

“It’s been eight years, Kaidan. God as my witness, the council and the parliament are going to blink first.” Shepard says in that tone of voice that he’d decided a course of action long ago, determined it to be correct, and is hell bent for leather on seeing it through. “One of them is going to say something about the hat eventually. And then, I’ll have won.”

“I love you, but you are the weirdest person I know, John Doe Shepard.” Kaidan gives him a kiss and goes back to the relative normalcy of his SPECTRE reports.

He’s just glad his mother never convinced John that drinking a gallon of maple syrup was also something awesome to do.


End file.
